Originally published in The Lifted Brow
I don’t own a car, let alone a fancy car, and I don’t have my own house, or my own horse, or a bed that supports my spine. I don’t even have a smartphone. Or a washing machine. Or a father. But what I do have are impeccably clean teeth. Like OCD clean – porcelain white, cavity free, dentist approved. And my gums are incredibly healthy, my breath is lovely and fresh. Because I have allowed myself to get fucked, in more ways than one. Which is to say that I paid $229 for a toothbrush (that’s fifty times the cost of a regular, non-Home Brand brush at your local drug store). And okay, mine is electric, with patented sonic technology and an interval timer, angled brush heads and five brushing modes. But the brush heads, which dentists recommend you change every three months, cost $40 for a three pack. Which is easy math – at over ten dollars per head, I’m getting fucked. And I honestly don’t mind. In fact, I love it. Every morning and every night I gently slide an angled brush head onto the brushing wand, and squeeze soft, moist, mint-flavored toothpaste onto diamond-shaped, nylon bristles. I select my mode depending on my mood (Clean Mode for when I’m feeling dirty, Massage Mode for when I’m tense). And then I place the bristles against my succulent, pink gums, angling them so that they hit the perfect spot, and I turn on the power. The toothbrush erupts in my hands. It’s honestly a bit overwhelming at first, like sucking on a high-powered vibrator. Or, I should say, like what I imagine a high-powered vibrator must feel like in any sort of sensitive orifice. But you breath deep, you get used to it. The bristles slide into every nook and cranny, every crevice. They caress each molar, each incisor, each canine, blasting away what isn’t necessary and massaging that which you need to be long lasting and fresh. Thirty seconds on the upper, outer row; thirty seconds on the upper, inner; same on the bottom rows and there’s the interval timer to let you know when your two minutes of bliss are over (though you can extended if you’d like an extra massage on your tongue). If you brush twice daily that’s four minutes of completely selfish, completely healthy, orgasmic, onanistic, mouth-fucking, tooth-brushing fun. Worth every cent.